A Jealous God

Why do you not move in for the kill?
Each night I am more vulnerable still
Why do you not take it all at once?
Why must you make me suffer through it all?

I am reasonable, most days, still
If it were unbearable, wouldn’t I do something about it?
Like you, I too could have gone numb
Your love mixed with pain is one hell of a cocktail drug

I play these games, with the absence in your place
It is quite romantic when you think about it
Look at me, a relic touched by your love
What is placed on a pedestal, demands to be worshipped as well

Worshiping you angers your God
I am your God, a jealous God, the Exodus said
You said something along those lines too, didn’t you?
“Except for my God’s, all love is doomed”

Look at me, bear witness, my love endures
Humiliated and starved, my love endures
Let my third and fourth generations be cursed
Fuck you, out of pure spite, my love survives

A jealous God’s envy pales to mine
For if I can’t shake the heavens, I will raise hell
Brand me too, a transgressor, like Morningstar
I profess: I love the creation more than the hands that shaped it

Unlike Morningstar, my sin is not pride
My poor pride, it squared up to you so many times
And each time it died, at the hands of your love
I do not recognize self-preservation or self-respect, my love

I am defiant to the last breath
Here I am, Lord, I am Abraham, refusing to touch the blade
Let there be no rituals to celebrate my devotion when I am gone
Devotion it is, nonetheless, and you know that

I tell her, I love her, the emptiness in your place
She doesn’t say she loves me back, but you made me used to that
Wish I could get used to you not being here too
Hush, love, sleep, it will all pass soon